So I was commenting today on another blog and it automatically popped up with the title of my most recent blog post… which was “Welcome Emme Mabel Valentine Le Clear”
Yeah, that was almost four months ago.
It’s not that I didn’t have stuff to write about. I did. I had this whole post about the timelessness of life with a new born. When Ajax was off work and we were home as a family, just the four of us, our life took on this lovely timeless quality. I wasn’t ever really sure what day it was – it could have been a Tuesday or a Sunday and we’d just sit at the breakfast table and say “What should we do today, family?” and one of us would say “Park?” or “Museum?” or “Hike?” and then we’d decide and go off. It was heavenly and we were incredibly blessed to be able to do that for three months.
I also had a whole slew of posts about how awesome Ruby is as a big sister. She’s adapted incredibly well. She adores her little sister and wants to do nothing but love on her (and squish her and freak me out with all that LOVE she has to inflict on Emme all. the. time!) It helped immensely that Daddy was home for three months so she didn’t have to compete for attention – one of us was always there to play with her, read to her and give her a hug. And if we weren’t my folks or Ben’s mom was. I hear that kiddos freak out more when their younger siblings turn 4 months, so I guess time will tell, but so far? She is a wonderful big sis.
And then there are the zillion or so posts I planned to write about Emme. About her resilience. Her strength. Her tenacity. Her ridiculously cute grin. About how she lights up when she sees me and I am sure that the entire world has stopped, just for a second, when I get that amazing smile. About how her one trip to the ER for a fever scared the ever-loving crap out of me. About how she is gaining weight like a champ, and how her oxygen saturations have all been normal and if you didn’t see that scar or know her story, you’d never guess she was operating with half a heart. About how her big sister is the light of her life and when Ruby is around, no one else in the world exists.
But I just haven’t sat down to write. I have been telling myself I didn’t have time, but frankly? That’s total bullshit. I usually dream feed Emme at 10:30 or 11. Ajax usually goes to bed around 9 or 9:30… that leaves me with more than enough quiet time to sit and write. Guess when I realized this? Now.
No seriously. Just now as I wrote that last paragraph. ::head desk::
Last night we took Emme back to Kaiser for a cardiac catheterization. When I say “we” I actually mean Ajax because I was in bed all day yesterday with a stomach bug that left me so weak I could barely walk. So last night they went off to Kaiser for an overnight and her cath was today. I got there around 6 am and she woke up around 6:30. She was a charmer all night and all day. She woke up happy and, despite having not eaten since 10 last night, was happy and smiling until about 8:30 am, when she finally was done with people messing with her and not feeding her. She fussed for a bit, fell asleep on Ajax’s shoulder a few minutes before we had to go into the OR. (It wasn’t an operation, but they use an OR for the procedure). She was a bit freaked out to wake up in a giant OR with bright lights and strange people and odd sounds and even more freaked out when they put a mask up to her nose and mouth (not even over, just near). That was the hardest part of the whole day, hearing her panicked cries, even as we were standing beside her and holding her hand.
The procedure went smoothly and quickly and all is fine. Her pulmonary arteries might need some “patching” according to the cardiologist who did the cath, but we’ll know more by the end of the week when her surgeon has had a chance to review the x-rays and echo films. We should have a definitive date for her next surgery by next week. I’m both excited and terrified for that next step. On one hand, I want to get it done with and let her get on to the business of being a baby, meeting milestones and growing up. On the other hand, it’s OPEN HEART SURGERY and I am a lot more attached to this little tiny wonder ball of love than I was even before she was born. But I also know her better and I know that she is strong, determined and open to new experiences – she will go through the next surgery and all it entails with the same charm and happiness she went through this experience with.
That might sound weird, but part of her strength really comes from her wonder at the world around her. She’s so interested in new things, new people, new places that she seems to just let herself have the experience of them without a lot of drama or upset. Of course, part of that is just being a baby, but it’s also just who she is.
So that’s what’s been up. And now that I’m back writing here, I have to say – it’s nice to be back.